the origin of anxiety
i hav maed a generic memes // i had a big deal realization tonite // semms gr8
Andrew James Weatherhead
i gna b in this as r a buncha my main bitches
& well that semm pretty wowwy wow wo cool
sum importent drafts ive been werking on 4 a v secret acct on twitter.com/brunoartois
me & matt nelson simulta-reading a poem by pierre reverdy, in translation & in the OG, to the music of infamous underground rap quartet, beirut.
under the stars
maybe i had lost the key, and everyone around me laughs and each shows me an enormous key hanging from his neck.
i am the only one who has no way to get in somewhere. they have all disappeared and the closed doors leave the street sadder. no one. i’ll knock on every door.
insults fly out of the windows and i withdraw.
so, not far outside of town, on the edge of a river and a wood, i found a door. a simple gate with no lock. i got behind it and, beneath the night that has no windows but does have large curtains, between the forest and the river that protected me, i was able to sleep.
j’aurai peut-être perdu la clé, et tout le monde rit autour de moi et chacun me montre une clé énorme pendue à son cou.
je suis le seul à ne river avoir pour entrer quelque part. ils ont tous disparu et les portes closes laissent la rue plus triste. personne. je frapperai partout.
des injures jaillissent des fenêtres et je m’éloigne.
alors un peu plus loin que la ville, au bord d’une rivière et d’un bois, j’ai trouvé une porte. une simple porte à claire-voie et sans serrure. je me suis mis derrière et, sous la nuit qui n’a pas de fenêtres mais de larges ridequx, entre la forêt et la rivière qui me protègent, j’ai pu dormir.
[friend] & i order ice coffees & bagels w/ cream cheese at the counter. he orders an everything bagel & i order a cinnamon raisin bagel but wind up getting blueberry. we go to another counter & wait for our bagels to come out & when we find an everything bagel w cream cheese alrdy there on the counter [friend] begins to eat it assuming it is his. 5-7 mins later a kitchen-prep person comes out from behind a wooden wall with a heart shaped-hole in it that allows us to watch the faces of the ppl of a similar demographic to our own making the bagels for us. i have never really considered the heart shaped hole even tho i have been here several times before but it strikes me now as over-referencing some aesthetic even tho i am not even sure wat that aesthetic is. the kitchen-prep person shouts my name into the crowd & i raise my hand & sort of angle it from side to side at her & she looks briefly surprised by how close to her we are but quickly recovers & then puts 2 bagels (1 everything & 1 blueberry) in little cardboard baskets down in front of us & disappears. [friend] has alrdy made his way thru 3/4 of his 1st bagel but no one seems to have noticed or be paying much attention & so after taking my own i say ‘just grab it’ w/r/t the xtra bagel & we hesitate for a minute but then he does grab it & we go outside at an average to concerned-but-not-worried speed & find some chairs that are lined up in a row against the wall of the coffee shop & sit down in them even tho it has started raining a little & i wind up having 1.5 bagels for breakfast
read this ~older poem that was initially a video for the last of the intergalactic playboys: the johnny bryan reunion tour
when i was about 15 or 16 & in high school i knew this guy carlos who was the boyfriend of this girl who went by a nickname who was a close friend of mine (the girl not the boyfriend), he was from columbia initially i think, the country not the school that is, but had grown up in one of paris’ more famously ’sketchy’ suburbs, somewhere we would go to buy pot or maybe walk thru quickly on the way to a friend’s house party but that most of us would never just casually hang out in especially at night etc
so but the point being that he definitely played the tough guy bit up a bunch probably because he felt he had to that is he wore rly baggy jeans &did that sort of slow-wide-legged-waddle thing & had big headphones & probably had a scar that may have been knife-related on or near his face etc etc
& but this one time he ‘confessed’ to me (in, as they say, confidence) told me that he was bi i guess because i was sort of the go to bi person in our highschool or at least within our extended group of friends
& later i have no idea how this happened probably because we were horny & 16 but carlos started trying to mess around w me or maybe i am conveniently misremembering that & it was the other way around but in any event that is something that started happening
i cant remember when it started but i know that once we went out to get booze at one of his girlfriends’ parties & we started groping each other on the stairs & we must have messed around another time beforehand because after a while i was like can we not in a way that suggested that we had done this sort of thing before
& he was like why man is it because its me & even though i thought of course its because its you yr girlfriend is one of my closest friends & we are in her stairscase & there are svl dozen ppl upstairs any of whom might come out & see us at any moment i still heard myself say that no man of course its not you its just i dont know i’m ‘all fucked up’
this other time at another one of her parties after things were winding down i was sitting down at the computer in a room next to the living room where the what was left of the guests were slowly passing out on couches & i was making a playlist or something & he came up behind me and asked me to come to her room and i was like nah man & he was like why dont you want any of this & then suddenly he had whipped out his erect dick & it was just there a couple inches away from my face & i couldn’t stop looking at it out of the corner of my eye
& i wanted it to go away or maybe i wanted it to stay idk i wasn’t sure how to react so i just grabbed a hold of it
& just sort of held it there
later maybe the same night we were just under the sheets in the middle of this party & his girlfriend came through her room and gave us a weird look like wat r u guys doing and we just giggled & shrugged these innocent shit eating grins like we didnt have our hands on each other’s dicks underneath there & either she believed us or she let it slide, seems like everyone was always being either extremely confused or an asshole or both, interchangeably
later we had an ‘orgy’ with him & his girlfriend & two other friends at the end of a party at her house that mainly consisted of him & his girlfriend having sex on one side & the rest of us just kind of being naked & vaguely rubbing bodies together
at some point i rubbed my dick on his calf for a while or something & he giggled & pointed it out to his girlfriend & they were both all ‘wth is chris doing’
later we passed out i dont think anyone came
then this other other time there were some protests over this education reform that the ‘right-wing’ government was trying to put into effect & a lot of kids in my highschool were really involved took over the school gym and had a big sort of pizza party involving a lot of wine and hash that either the ‘pro-protest’ parents/teachers or some money we had collected from strangers ‘for the cause’ payed for
& we had a giant sleepover thing in the gym or actually several nights worth of sleepovers & i made some excuse to my parents about having to stay out ‘for the cause’ & after a few days of sleeping on the floor of a gym & as they say ‘slumming it’ i decided i should take a shower so i went to the locker room & carlos decided to come too & then when we got there he got into the shower in his underwear or maybe that was me but i think it was him cuz i was like thats weird & he was like nah man i always shower in my underwear
then i probably got hard or at least a semi or something because after a while he was like can i touch it & i was like ok & then the underwear came off & then he did a head gesture that meant something like ‘wana suck it?’ referring to his own dick & i was like ok & then i did that for a while and then i got up & motioned to see if he wanted to do the same thing & he was like nah man i dont do that shit
& i thought that was pretty fucked up tbh but i didnt say anything & then he asked if he could put it in my butt & i was like no way man because the last time i had tried it it had hurt and besides i only wanted to do that with ppl i had a ‘real emotional connection’ with or at least that was the vague thought that took shape in my head but failed to make it much further than that
& he was like please man come on ive never tried it & he gave me these eyes & even though he wasnt really even that attractive or endearing or anything i said yes anyways maybe im not sure if i was into it or if it was just the worst kind of ok, fine, yolo
then he did that for a few seconds or minutes & then stopped & turned his shower off & went & locked the door to a changing cubicle & started to get dressed & i was like do you wana cum & he was like nah & i was confused
maybe it was like ‘its not gay if our balls don’t touch’ except his logic was ‘it isnt gay if i dont cum’ idk
i was like well im gonna & then i wanted him to see so me do it maybe bc i was angry abt how he wldnt reciprocate or felt like he wld somehow be ‘defeating me’ os so i just went & stood by the closed door of the changing cubicle but it was locked so i just stood there & ‘finished myself off’
then we went back to the gym separately & all 40 or so of us got drunk & talked about the future of education & the room swelled with utopian posssibility & in the morning around 6am the cops showed up & kicked everyone out of the gym